It Is Never That Serious.... (GUEST POST by Diana Wachira)

 "Some moments are like green lights, they force you to move even when you don't want to"

I am sure that no one is a stranger to the dark feelings of disappointment, failure, doubt, you name it.

It is then safe to say everybody has experienced failure or disappointment at one point or another. Clearly, things don’t always go as planned or expected or as promised. The human mind makes it even worse by magnifying small issues into such big matters that you feel you are done for ama nothing can be fixed.

              Really, it is never that serious.

So for some reason, you didn’t hand in your assignment on time ama you lost your barely 4 month old phone ama you didn’t get that jobo you were gunning for.... Shrug it off and set your mind on moving on

So the guy or girl you've been eyeing doesn’t give you the time of day, don’t mop around, and trust me there are like a gazillion people you are yet to meet.

So you feel like life is just not getting any better, listen, life is a bitch that's why it’s hard, if it were a slut it would have been way easy and that would have been extremely boring

 

If only we can look through the problem not past it. Such down moments may be opportunities, after all, opportunities are never labelled. I have had my fair share of such moments, it sucks big time period! I have learnt that sometimes life can a colossal bitch but what can I do but shrug it off and move on. What am I saying? That no matter the situation, we humans always have a choice. Never choose to mop around or give up, choose to be brave.

It is Friday people and it has been one hella week for me, so tonight I am gonna dance the stress away, Sekem anyone?

Keep calm, keep your cool, hey, it's never that serious,

And always remember ladies, a smile a day keeps the handsomes awake ;-)

And gentlemen, you keep doing what you do best ;-)

A big shout out to Kimaru for hosting me on his blog, keep reading ya’ll,

I'm out-))

Screw Single Ladies

Is it just me or are taken mamas so attractive. By mama I mean girl a.k.a chiquittas, bitches... Depending on the circumsance. Anyway ., mamas who have a guy are the finest things ever!! They put the right makeup,, they wear that dress or top with a lace on it. For some reason lace turns me the shit on. Na hawa taken mamas always wear lace., so akikuhug nikama ako topless. They know exactly what to say, Ata wakisema 'sasa' tunaskia 'sexy'. Anyway, you get my flow. They are fine AF.

So., these taken mamas have nothing to lose and nothing to gain from your skinny single ass. You really gotta be creative. Shida ni Moja, these mamas have perfected the art of teasing. So, you take her out, say to Burger Dome, huko chips ni 140 , burger is like 450 na she will drink juice., considering you will only drink water and tell the waiter ifanane Na sprite she will set you back a good 1500. For a student, that's a lot. That's enough to get 3 B.A girls on your bedbug infested mattress pale Hall3. It might even, get a Chiromo girl, let's not get started about KU , hyo ata Olive Mugenda will give you some action. Lakini huyu taken mama, NO .Remember , there is somewhere she gets the D from. 

So, you take her to your place, it's late, it's dark, your broke and your hard. Like a gentleman, you chat with her about life, classes, her man, eventually , she wants to leave... That's when we all make the move. So you approach to kiss her and she pulls back, pecks you and walks away with a smile on her face. Handbrake imesimama Yake yote, you look down and curse. Ingekuwa dame single, Ata ungepata kwa washrooms za BurgerDome. You count your 1500 losses and call it a day. Unasema, never again, Huwezi haribu pesa ama bundles on her. She gets home or to her man's place and calls you to say she had a good time. Unakata Simu like a G, then like a bitch call her back saying hukutaka kummalizia credit Nikama Collymore ni daddy. You're hooked. There is something about rejection that keeps us dogs, oops , I men coming back. Knowing there is something out there that you can't have.

It's basically against the bro code to hit on a pal's girl lakini the issue arises when you don't know the guy. No bro code then. So, you hit on her, if your lucky , you get the peck, extra lucky you get laid. Lakini some of these taken mamas also like to feel special, they want to feel wanted and in some cases they want to really know if their idiot boyfriend is right for her, they want to know of they have really found their Jonny. Hapa Hakuna wizi, ni cost shairing. Anakulwa pale Na chali wake then anakuja Na kukula burger Zako. Eventually as a man you'll be a 'side-dude'. The only difference is, we really don't mind. Eventually you'll give me tail, or in some rather common instances, she'll realize you are the real Johnny and you step in, hoping it's not a vicious circle. All in all, you taken mamas, you milfs out there, you drive us single men crazy. If only...

MSICHANA WA WENYEWE

So... I am not an avid fan of football.. But I occasionally enjoy a big big match. Like Arsenal vs Chelsea ., whenever such big teams I might watch at least one half. I usually wait for a goal., however if no goal is scored, I switch to Trace. Anyway, we all know paying for premium channels is really expensive, about 8500 if I can give a ball park figure., so kwetu, we just pay compact plus. The only sports channel is some weird channel that shows only Gor play, I try to avoid or risk my tv screen breaking with stones. Anyway, the weekend is here and there is a big big game I tell you. Chelsea are playing Man-u. This I gotta watch, or I'll have to stick with girls the next week at school coz all the guys will talk about that match. As I said, kwetu, the dstv doesn't show live matches, but I gotta watch. 

It's an hour to the match na bado sina the guts to pay 4000 to upgrade to premium  or rather sina pesa mfukoni. I think of going to the local bar and buy a soda and sip it the whole night but that's seems too ratchet. Then, I get a eureka moment. My next door neighbors have paid premium. So I shower, spray that cologne ya kupimiwa and head next door. I knock once... No answer... Knock twice... No answer... I feel like shit and begin to walk away, then I hear a mellifluous voice calling after me. 'Hey, excuse me, sorry for the delay' 

I turn, like a dog I swallow a pint of spit. She is hot... She has a short denim short, a plain white t-shirt and free flowing hair. In all honesty she had worn 'kawaida' but damn that 'kawaida' made her look gorgeous. I walk back and tell her my predicament. She is too fly that I hustle to muster the words. 

'Hey, my name is Chelsea, sorry, game ya Chelsea I mean, I am Kim. No dstv, me no go home' she giggles and tells me to relax,like she knows she is confusing me. So I take a deep breath, swallow that spit and explain to her that I planned watch the match with her big bro. She tells me her bro is not around but I can come in and watch the match. Like a dog, I follow her in.

She hands me like 5 remotes and explains, 'this is for home theater, DVD, TV, lights, mboch, waiter...' Something like that. Kwetu ni moja, ya tv... Mwisho, the rest you change manually. I sit down and she asks me if I'd like a drink, of course I accept. She goes to the kitchen as I wonder why Anto, her bro, never told me he had a sister. Oh well, the nigga ain't here. She comes back with whiskey and a glass of wine for her. Damn! I'm in love already. She hands me my drink and puts the match. Apparently Ata bado sikuwanimeweka, I think of what brought me here. Football, nothing else. The match has started and I realize Ata jina sijui. 'What's your name?' 'Fiona' I glow a little bit inside. Growing up I used to call the characters in my stories Fiona and now I meet one in the flesh. 'Are you in campus?' I ask. She says no, ako form four. That breaks my heart. She lays comfortably on the sofa exposing those legs, I think to myself, 'hizo mguu si za high school, ni za campo!' Anyway, I came here for the match. 

As the match starts she tells me about Diego Costa and Fabregas, how she is excited about their transfers to Chelsea. I drool, like a dog. She knows football, she drinks, she's hot, she's Fiona... She's an angel. Just too young. I smile at her, she smiles back, this whiskey is making me confident. It is 15minutes into the game, no goals on the pitch, whilst a young African is trying to score. Let the games continue. She says she has noticed me around the estate, cjui nikiosha gari, cjui vyombo, cjui nikitoa trash. Yaaani she makes me look like a houseboy. Anyway, even houseboys get some action. The first half ends and she is sleepy. Shit! I'm not sure if I should go home but all the fibre in me is saying I should stay with Fiona, I don't wanna bang her, okay maybe I do but she is wife material. I want more. She lays on my shoulders and says she is taking a nap. Her hair smelt like lavender, hizo mguu brown skin my friend... Ata usiku they glowed. So I let her sleep. Overconfident I plan how I should rush home for some protection, but labda nikirudi ntapata wamehama. So I let her enjoy my small shoulder. 

I continue drinking, my mind is soo far , I've even forgotten what brought me here. I touch her weave, Ata msichana akuwe brown skin aje, nywele ni ya wazungu. She giggles, she is awake. I guess this is flirting I think to myself. Then she looks at me. Ata huwezi fikiria huyu ametoka kulala. She comes closer and kisses me. I pinch myself to make sure kweli niko awake. Oops I pinched her instead. Pombe ni mbaya. She stands, she looks so sexy., she taker her top off... Wah. I even forget where we live, Leo ni Leo. Hii 4 months dry spell itanijua. Then..

The door swings open, it's Anto, Fiona looks at me, she screams... Bitch !!!

Like a dog I run....

UNFORTUNATELY PUPPY LOVE EXSITS

There comes a time in life, you're mature enough to conceive a child for a lady and fertile enough to get a girl pregnant for a guy. The era of random sex becomes rather boring and to some extent immature. We all have that one friend who is in a comfortable relationship and we always bear listening to how one day they want to kill each other and another they want to elope and get married. This is for the single guy and girl next door. If your dating please stop, smile and screw you. 

So, what is puppy love? Have you ever experienced it ? If you have you tend to look for it in every prospective idiot that comes around. First, let's be clear puppy love is not love at first sight. The only thing I have ever fallen in love at first sight is whiskey, so unless we date inanimate objects, love at first sight is just an excuse by thirsty desperate guys. Puppy love is serious but also not so serious love. Serious that you actually get something out of it rather than just sex. You actually become a better person... Your partner makes you better person. I know of girls who have turned staunch weed smokers around, though sounds petty, but puppy love actually makes you a better person. Your life tends not to be all about you. Single guys tend to have a selfish persona, they only think of themselves, every purchase is personal, every plan is personal which is a sad way of living. Puppy love is also not so serious, laughter and joy dominates, pseudonyms to each other, and lines that only the couple understand. Have you ever a couple say a random line like 'stars above' and they both look at each other glowing... Sounds shady to us single guys but it's beautiful to them, they change mundane words to something more, something great and something beautiful. 

One particular couple I'd like to salute is Tom and Shakila. I really hope you guys are still together lest you'll render my post irrelevant. Anyway, they started dating when we were back in high school, which is about 3-4 years ago. Years down the line , still strong, I had given them 1 year but guess they proved me wrong. Anyway, this highlights the fact that when you find the one for you... Your happy .. Your content. Even for a real ass G like Tom., who at first sight might not be settling type has found his puppy love. I will not lie that their is a lot of time to find your puppy love because there actually isn't. This is probably why I am writing this desperate plea to all the good guys and gorgeous girls. Be accommodating, accept everyone, go for that coffee date with that guy you ignore his calls, guys take that mama you always stalk on watsupp out. Ask her, if she says yes, that's a start, if she says no, at least you tried. Puppy love is not just found by looking at someone and falling head over heels, no it's found by hard work and actually trying to give a damn. Guys have the hardest time, a single romantic gesture is meet with harsh scorn from their pals, however, tell yourself they will die single, which they probably will. 

I knew a guy who faithfully texted his crush, sometimes the girl would ignore but the guy would not stop. He was like 'Morning! Have a great day' and the girl's watsupp status would shift from 'online' to 'last seen...' But he continued. Eventually, they went on a date and the girl realized he is one of the few guys who actually give a damn. He is one of the good guys. Girls settle with good guys but are broken by bad guys. Not a single good guy wants to bad, but ironically the bad guys eventually turn good. The renaissance started with a single step., I hope this special generation of guys will actually give a damn, this generation of girls will be accommodating and we'll all find this fleeting puppy love. Life is not about how much success we make but by the hearts we touch, starting to change hearts starts by changing our own, being more to the world that 'me'. So, go ahead text a friend and let them know you will always be there, put a smile on their face and let's change our rigid hearts. 

I hope you find your puppy love like Tom and Shakila have, I surely hope I do too. 

My Night At Changes Pub

It had been close to six months since I went for a proper rave. I mean the kind of rave that you wake up and through the day you’re getting heaves of puke and flashback memories of the night. I had been on long holiday and the occasional keg pints can’t compare to a proper campus rave. In retrospect I gathered my crew at my room. It is a Wednesday but everyone is motivated to get drunk. There is Eujah, he is always the life of the party with a million and one dancing styles, and he is occasionally a good wingman. Denno is the ‘G’ of the group, whatever Denno says, we follow. He bears a lot of respect but weirdly he is always broke. However, Mose is always there to foot the bill, I really don’t know if this guy sells drugs but he is always damn loaded. Anyways, we decide we will go to Westlands for the night.

Luckily, we get a car to use, of course from my sources coz I never disappoint. Oh! I almost forgot Anto, he was meant to come but he was with some chiqitta so we let him be. Among the four of us, Mose is clearly the most responsible, so I decide to drive to Westlands but I instructed him not to get too wasted coz he will have to drive back. I have to admit I am somewhat of a lousy drunk and I don’t want to be responsible putting a dent on a borrowed car, the safety of my boys isn’t really my problem. So, with two ‘Vat69’ bottles in hand we get into the car and head to Westlands, it is around 11pm and we are about to Turn Up! Before we leave the campus parking we see a little guy running towards, it is Linc, the opportunist. We let the broke niggar in and drive off.

On the way, we open the bottle, shots all round… including the lightweight driver… my legs are already feeling weak but I will never give in front of the crew. Another two rounds and I am flinching my eyes just to see the road. Then, we close all the windows, and the G- Denno lights up three joints!  Three high grade joints. Within no time the car is stuffed with a thick white smoke, time moves too slowly, and I felt like I was driving to the moon and back. Then, Linc comes up with a brilliant idea; we should go to Changes Pub. Apparently, a socialite called Vanessa hosts Vogue Wednesdays, but all I heard was ‘boss, shots ni 50, beer ni 150’. Of course Linc would know of such deals, he frequently does some internship at ‘Afco’, the place with the cheapest drinks in town. So, we park outside the club, and step out of the car like a scene out of the men in black.

The club is packed! I mean, I thought being a Wednesday we would be the only ones but the place is full. Girls twerking everywhere like Jamaican video vixens, drinks everywhere, drunk selfies and the music was just full blast. So Denno the G somehow organizes and we get a table. We order 2000 worth of shots and a round of beer, except Linc forgot to carry his wallet so he will just drool over our drinks. If you’ve ever heard five shots instantaneously then you will know what I mean, we were wasted… we got up and started dancing like fools. Some girls next to us saw Mose and thought we must be some rich kids so we happily accepted their invitation to dance, we danced... And danced... until Linc started to puke all over, the bouncer lifted the guy with one hand and threw him out of the club, like honorable men, we let the niggar sort himself… it had just been over an hour and we were having the time of our lives, not thinking of exams, or assignments, or Linc… having fun with random girls.

Then five gorgeous girls stepped into the club, with just the right amount of makeup… just the right hairstyle, short skirts or dresses, I really couldn’t tell… the whole club stared, us included, in the midst of our drunkenness, we realized, all the girls were from our class… I’m sure all of us thought in our heads… ‘This shit is about to get real’ ……….  

5 REASONS I STILL LOVE MY EX

I realized I have never really written anything about relationships or anything in that line. Probably, it is because of my ignorance or just lack of interest. Nonetheless, as they say, ‘the time is neigh’. The last time I wrote anything to do with love/relationships were the occasional love letters in high schools, which seemed to get all the girls, mesmerized (just saying). Anyway, one interesting thing about love is that no one is perfectionist.  Relationships are characterized by mistakes, arguments and make-ups… I believe that truly defines it very few words. So, looking back at my own love life, I am undeniably drawn to my ex. don’t worry about her name for now, but I realize I never really feel out of love. That is why I have a 5 of reasons why I still love my ex.

1.       I dated my best friend

This is surely one of the best things I did. Before any feelings came in between us, we were two very good friends. We played, we joked, we shared… having a friend as a lover is very important, when all is said and done sometimes, all we need is a friend in a partner. Therefore, there is actually no love at first sight in my book. When time came for ‘upgrading’ the friendship to a partnership, we both knew and slowly shifted. Interestingly, sometimes the difference was negligible. So after, the relationship, I remained good friends with her and still loved my ex.

2.       She made me a better person

Whoever said relationships are all about intimacy and romantic gestures was in a seriously challenged relationship. Being an Economist, it all about supply and demand, how much profit I can extrapolate at the end of a transaction. Economically, my relationship not only broke even but earned massive profits. Jargon aside, my ex motivated me to better, she appreciated the value of education and my talent. If I strayed, she sat me down and told me in black and white. She taught me that there is surely something greater than me by encouraging me to be closer to God and my family. I wouldn’t be standing where I am if not for her.

3.       I experienced bliss

So, why is experiencing bliss so important? Bliss is that warm fussy feeling of happiness and peace that we experience. I had just read and heard of people feeling bliss and at some point I thought it never existed. Some get it from religion, family members or weirdly even soccer, I got it from her. Don’t hate me for being all mushy on this BlogSpot but I felt complete, I felt happy, before I went to bed I smiled knowing someone else is smiling back. I had never experienced bliss but she made is happen and I loved it.

4.       We made memories

We stayed up talking all night, we took long walks, we made future plans, I learnt a new language with her, we joked, and we surprised one another. For my 18^th birthday, she surprised me with a cake, so many chocolates and a gracefully written letter. She knew me too well to know that something in writing was an icing on the cake. So, if you are in love, get out and make memories, someday, you will look back and smile.

5.       She never stopped caring

Okay, okay, this is the final one, don’t run away already. Anyway, my ex continued asking how I was doing constantly advising me on issues and keeping in touch. She remembered my birthday and important dates after that.

So, maybe, I was lucky. Maybe she was just a great girl; maybe we built a strong foundation. All I know is that I had the time of my life and I would do it all over again. I was happy and I am even happier that she is still in my life. Thank you my ex, you are surely the best thing that happened to me.

P.S If you want to know the name of my ex look up the name ‘Beyonce’

CAMPUS AND MONEY

They say money is the root of all evil. In clear contrast, money in society has to be considered the root all joy, pleasure, pride and a little bit of arrogance. When I was younger, I used to think my father was richer than any fellow I meet walking around. Comically, I used to pity my friends because they did not have such a ‘rich’ father. At such a young tender age, money had already been imprinted in my mind as a god or goddess and gave me the right to judge others. Anyway, I came to grow up and realize my poops was not as rich as I thought.

Fast forward a few years, money has been ever more valuable than ever. In campus, I realized, money and women are of top priority. However, I have to notice, that women come a close second. With all their influence they cannot beat the ever-growing power of money. So, It begs the question, how do I make money ? I don’t know if it’s just me but asking for pocket money all the times is honestly tiring. There comes a time I feel more of a parasite than a child. Therefore, it is high time we students started making a small living on the side and I don’t mean the ever tempting HELB loan that you will pay for years.

I asked a few friends how they make money in campus and had a hell lot of interesting responses from waitress to defrauding parents. However, a few number get money in interesting means like selling off clothes at a profit to fellow students. Instead of complaining of lack of opportunities, I think we ought to sit down and come with innovative ideas to supplement our meager pocket money and HELB. I have a few pals, who have dared to think out of the box, Marion Waithera does some modelling and business in her home town, Venecia Chebet sells newspapers despite the morning hours, Jacky and Cindy both work at stalls and make something small. It is interesting to note that despite them being girls, they are learning to be independent as ever.

In case there are others like me with little or no connections to employment opportunities, we can gladly use our talent. For Gush Daisy and I we drink what we write, literally. Writing for websites such as essaysharks.com and many more, you can easily make good money at the comfort of your home. If however, you cannot write well, find your niche, I have a wonderful friend who draws amazing portraits and art, that is also another way to exploit the amazing blessings bequeathed onto us. Congratulations to Gee, I will surely buy more paintings.

All in all, let's find our niche and exploit it. Taking advantage of every opportunity is not greed but wisdom. Let's pursue the root of all evil and be more independent. 

Amazing Art by Tesh... Yes, there is talent