LUST IN LANG'ATA (GUEST POST BY CAROLINE TONUI)

So i had taken my ass out of boring Eldoret to look for a little fun with my girlfriend Diana and her friend Faith who had a bash coming up.We were all bitching about boys in a bedroom somewhere in Langata .We were waiting for the guys to come back...as far as i knew..they had gone to pick up another friend.Faith was telling us the lovestory of how she met her boyfriend ,Tony, and like the girls we are..we were all awwing at the fairytale...until the boys arrived.All i heard was this rich new superbass echoing in the corridor between the living room and the bedroom we were in.My heart literally stopped working for a minute...then started racing too fast.All my attention shifted to that voice..it was getting closer and deeper.I was just waiting to see who the fuck this boy is...and hoping Diana will not forget to introduce me..because she was up and running towards the door...excited to see that superbass boy.
The bedroom door opened..and this sexy thing walked in.The lust of a thousand thirsty women hit my hellokitty all at once...i could almost hear her shouting for some.This guy is darkskinned...average height,and weight...a bit of an afro but its the eyes...the eyes were killing my self control.He has big eyes ..reddish at the corners and a lazy intense gaze that is very verry verrryy sensual.He came over and sat next to me.At this point i was fighting to control my breathing because my body was starting to betray me.He said 'Hi..am Kip'...while his shoulder was touching mine..and in that low barritone that ripped right through me.I had to say a little prayer..'.Lord he is hot.He is hot.He is sexy.Please dont let me activate my whore powers today!!!'I dont know if my panties were mimicking my hormones but i swear they tried to fall off on their own...as if on cue!So i crossed my legs.Kip's eyes wandered down to my thighs...my dress had inched up a bit too far.He looked back up at me with a half smile...he has a dimple..and i was fucking confused.I didnt know wether to smile at the adorable dimple or step out for air because the eyes...Jesus.H.Christ!!!I silently thanked Diana for bullying me i to that little black dress..and with all the confidence i could fake..i said..'Hi am Caro'
Kip and i got to talking..we did not notice that we were alienating the rest of our friends.He is Steve Kiprono Mutai ,goes to school in Daystar.....the conversation was flowing,he made me laugh a bit and i caught myself wondering where he had been throught my lust..i mean life.
Time to go back to Eldoret came too soon.Kip made that goodbye sexy kiss at the back of a car got  me singing 'Nataka kupewa ' instead of Diamond's 'Nataka kulewa ' all the way back !!
We exchanged contacts ofcourse but the conversation remained on a flirtatious note..on and off for about a year.It all felt like an after Form Four facebook chat ..like make a move nigger am a grown woman!!!The universe answered my prayer two weeks ago when he invited me to his place in Athi River....a full black American choir burst into song in my head singing 'Oh happy Daaayyy'...Hell yeeesss !!Finallyyyy!!and another choir when he said..'Caro..i really really like you'
So i packed a bag and went on my way...with protection of course...i had not gone all the way to Athi River to fill out a sudoku puzzle.The same langata lust hit me when i saw him,but this time with butterflies in my stomach too.I gues my heart was starting to catch feelings for him too ..not just hellokitty.We did not talk much on the way to his place...i was nervous and i pretended to be asleep at some point.When we got there...i got a bit more comfortable while he started fussing around...getting this and that from his neighbour  and God knows what else.It was a bit cute to see him nervous..he did not cover it up well.He finally settled down and sat at the edge of his bed.He asked me what i wanted for supper.I smiled...took my spectacles off and said.. 'You'...
I swear its true what they say..its so beautiful when the thirst is mutual.

So i had taken my ass out of boring Eldoret to look for a little fun with my girlfriend Diana and her friend Faith who had a birthday bash coming up.We were all bitching about boys in a bedroom somewhere in Langata .We were waiting for the guys to come back...as far as i knew..they had gone to pick up another friend.Faith was telling us the lovestory of how she met her boyfriend Tony,and like the girls we are..we were all awwing at the fairytale...until the boys arrived.All i heard was this rich new superbass echoing in the corridor between the living room and the bedroom we were in.My heart literally stopped working for a minute...then started racing too fast.All my attention shifted to that voice..it was getting closer and deeper.I was just waiting to see who the fuck this boy is...and hoping Diana will not forget to introduce me..because she was up and running towards the door...excited to see that superbass boy.
The bedroom door opened..and this sexy thing walked in.The lust of a thousand thirsty women hit my hellokitty all at once...i could almost hear her shouting for some.This guy is darkskinned...average height,and weight...a bit of an afro but its the eyes...the eyes were killing my self control.He has big eyes ..reddish at the corners and a lazy intense gaze that is very verry verrryy sensual.He came over and sat next to me.At this point i was fighting to control my breathing because my body was starting to betray me.He said 'Hi..am Kip'...while his shoulder was touching mine..and in that low barritone that ripped right through me.I had to say a little prayer..'.Lord he is hot.He is hot.He is sexy.Please dont let me activate my whore powers today!!!'I dont know if my panties were mimicking my hormones but i swear they tried to fall off on their own...as if on cue!So i crossed my legs.Kip's eyes wandered down to my thighs...my dress had inched up a bit too far.He looked back up at me with a half smile...he has a dimple..and i was fucking confused.I didnt know wether to smile at the adorable dimple or step out for air because the eyes...Jesus.H.Christ!!!I silently thanked Diana for bullying me i to that little black dress..and with all the confidence i could fake..i said..'Hi am Caro'
Kip and i got to talking..we did not notice that we were alienating the rest of our friends.He is Steve Mutai ,goes to school in Daystar.....the conversation was flowing,he made me laugh a bit and i caught myself wondering where he had been throught my lust..i mean life.
Time to go back to Eldoret came too soon.Steve made that goodbye a sexy kiss at the back of a car that got  me singing 'Nataka kupewa ' instead of Diamond's 'Nataka kulewa ' all the way back !!
We exchanged contacts ofcourse but the conversation remained on a flirtatious note..on and off for about a year.It all felt like an after Form Four facebook chat ..like make a move nigger am a grown woman!!!The universe answered my prayer two weeks ago when he invited me to his place in Athi River....a full black American choir burst into song in my head singing 'Oh happy Daaayyy'...Hell yeeesss !!Finallyyyy!!and another choir when he said..'Caro..i really really like you'
So i packed a bag and went on my way...with protection of course...i had not gone all the way to Athi River to fill out a sudoku puzzle.The same langata lust hit me when i saw him,but this time with butterflies in my stomach too.I gues my heart was starting to catch feelings for him too ..not just hellokitty.We did not talk much on the way to his place...i was nervous and i pretended to be asleep at some point.When we got there...i got a bit more comfortable while he started fussing around...getting this and that from his neighbour  and God knows what else.It was a bit cute to see him nervous..he did not cover it up well.He finally settled down and sat at the edge of his bed.He asked me what i wanted for supper.I smiled...took my spectacles off and said.. 'You'...
I swear its true what they say..its so beautiful when the thirst is mutual.

MY HEART JUST DOESN'T ACHE FOR YOU

Dear Fiona, when I’m with you, I’m happy, I’m at peace, I remember how we could talk for hours on end about stupid things such as One Direction and the amount of milk you put in your cereal. However, things changed when I really looked at you, I saw your eyes, and for a moment they scared me, they glowed like the sun stood right behind them. I saw your smile, so natural and so beautiful, whenever I said a joke, that smile popped up and for a moment it scared me.  The way you held my hand, so tight, as if you didn't ever want to let go, I looked and our interlocking fingers and it scared me.

Dear Fiona, the past year has been surely the best year of my life, we have traveled and seen new places, I have learnt things about you and especially about myself that I really didn't know. You remember the day you introduced me to eggs, I thought I would never eat eggs but after tasting your fried egg i guess now I am more of a poultry virtuoso. To say I regret would be mendacious of me. As a writer, I think I have the unique gift of introspection, always thinking, always analyzing deep into my subliminal mind. I don’t know if I love you, but loving is different from being loved.

Dear Fiona, I thank you for being part of my stories. As a person, you were very stubborn, always pressuring me to write more and more. Thank you for reading all my work, I remember sending you 30 emails and you managed to read them all in one night. That’s the kind of support that keeps a man’s dreams alive. However, I surely cannot say you complete me, because writing does that me. Nonetheless, you have done much more than I could ask for. From the day I meet you at a poetry slam I was sure, you were the one. Maybe in another world, maybe you actually are, but for now, I will be a loyal friend and let go of your hand, I will look away from your eyes, but i will always remember that smile, it scares me but deep down, my heart just does not ache for you anymore. Bye Fiona.

IS IT REALLY WORTH DATING?

Okay, I’d like to apologize for the rather long hiatus that I took; I have been busy figuring out some personal stuff. Anyway I’m back. That I said, lemme go back to the question at hand, is it really worth dating in this economy?

I know, I’ll probably sound like a jerk but times are hard, an average decent plate of lunch costs 300, which is why I miss lunch. I’d rather eat a fruit, take a drink or if I’m home, I just cook. Breakfast on the other hand goes for about 100bob and supper say 200. Roughly 300-400 a day inclusive of transport to and fro school if you’re a student. It’s hard to even support myself in these streets, so it begs the question, what if you have a kamama and she says you guys meet on Wednesday… Mimi cjui why hangefikiria ata yeye we just meet on Tuesday for free pizza, she has to hurt my wallet, I buy two small pizza and two drinks. Mimi ninakula yangu nasishibi, her on the other hand, complains ati ‘aki babe pizza iko na crust mob’ ‘nitakula tu nyama’ … bitch please si ungepika pizza kwenu. 1000bob gone like that!

My other point of contention is this new ice cream place, Coldstone. Just one day walk past Coldstone and see couples walking out, mwanaume amekasirika ata hajui ataenda aje home. Ice-cream, just like 2 scoops with sprinkled goodies na kamkate juu is 500! Yaani with 500 you can buy like 6 liters of soda, you can even buy the 5liter box of icecream or 10 loaves of bread. Na ujue 500 ni ya mtu mmoja. Hii Coldstone ifungwe. Never will I go there… I am not even a fan of ice-cream, wacha niende Sunford for half chicken, chips, soda na nibaki na pesa.

Lastly, going out, jameni jameni, hapo ndipo munatumalisa! Kwa club beer ni 200, soda 100 na blackice/redice/snapp/reds are 250, cjui kwanini and ni kidogo. Now, these women like pretending hawakunwi beer in public, enda kwa nyumba yao juja utapata wako juu ya Senator Key na straw. Anyway, she will drink a minimum of 4 redds, mukitoka ataskia njaa, so choma sausage for her, if your’e lucky, boiled egg na kachumbari. She will ‘not feel like javing’ so kama gari haiko taxi all the way. You will spare a bare minimum of 3000 Jomo Kenyatta Kenya Shillings. That’s more than my weekly budget man.  

In retrospect, I have absolutely no problem with dating. My only problem is that girls think we are DJ Khaleed and will provide mpaka pesa ya mamayake. We are in this together, let’s us both chip in. In this economy, as a student, that kaside-chick seems so economical now. To the girlfriends who help foot the bill, You Loyal …. You Smart and we Appreciate ya’ll.

I’m out.

It Is Never That Serious.... (GUEST POST by Diana Wachira)

 "Some moments are like green lights, they force you to move even when you don't want to"

I am sure that no one is a stranger to the dark feelings of disappointment, failure, doubt, you name it.

It is then safe to say everybody has experienced failure or disappointment at one point or another. Clearly, things don’t always go as planned or expected or as promised. The human mind makes it even worse by magnifying small issues into such big matters that you feel you are done for ama nothing can be fixed.

              Really, it is never that serious.

So for some reason, you didn’t hand in your assignment on time ama you lost your barely 4 month old phone ama you didn’t get that jobo you were gunning for.... Shrug it off and set your mind on moving on

So the guy or girl you've been eyeing doesn’t give you the time of day, don’t mop around, and trust me there are like a gazillion people you are yet to meet.

So you feel like life is just not getting any better, listen, life is a bitch that's why it’s hard, if it were a slut it would have been way easy and that would have been extremely boring

 

If only we can look through the problem not past it. Such down moments may be opportunities, after all, opportunities are never labelled. I have had my fair share of such moments, it sucks big time period! I have learnt that sometimes life can a colossal bitch but what can I do but shrug it off and move on. What am I saying? That no matter the situation, we humans always have a choice. Never choose to mop around or give up, choose to be brave.

It is Friday people and it has been one hella week for me, so tonight I am gonna dance the stress away, Sekem anyone?

Keep calm, keep your cool, hey, it's never that serious,

And always remember ladies, a smile a day keeps the handsomes awake ;-)

And gentlemen, you keep doing what you do best ;-)

A big shout out to Kimaru for hosting me on his blog, keep reading ya’ll,

I'm out-))

Screw Single Ladies

Is it just me or are taken mamas so attractive. By mama I mean girl a.k.a chiquittas, bitches... Depending on the circumsance. Anyway ., mamas who have a guy are the finest things ever!! They put the right makeup,, they wear that dress or top with a lace on it. For some reason lace turns me the shit on. Na hawa taken mamas always wear lace., so akikuhug nikama ako topless. They know exactly what to say, Ata wakisema 'sasa' tunaskia 'sexy'. Anyway, you get my flow. They are fine AF.

So., these taken mamas have nothing to lose and nothing to gain from your skinny single ass. You really gotta be creative. Shida ni Moja, these mamas have perfected the art of teasing. So, you take her out, say to Burger Dome, huko chips ni 140 , burger is like 450 na she will drink juice., considering you will only drink water and tell the waiter ifanane Na sprite she will set you back a good 1500. For a student, that's a lot. That's enough to get 3 B.A girls on your bedbug infested mattress pale Hall3. It might even, get a Chiromo girl, let's not get started about KU , hyo ata Olive Mugenda will give you some action. Lakini huyu taken mama, NO .Remember , there is somewhere she gets the D from. 

So, you take her to your place, it's late, it's dark, your broke and your hard. Like a gentleman, you chat with her about life, classes, her man, eventually , she wants to leave... That's when we all make the move. So you approach to kiss her and she pulls back, pecks you and walks away with a smile on her face. Handbrake imesimama Yake yote, you look down and curse. Ingekuwa dame single, Ata ungepata kwa washrooms za BurgerDome. You count your 1500 losses and call it a day. Unasema, never again, Huwezi haribu pesa ama bundles on her. She gets home or to her man's place and calls you to say she had a good time. Unakata Simu like a G, then like a bitch call her back saying hukutaka kummalizia credit Nikama Collymore ni daddy. You're hooked. There is something about rejection that keeps us dogs, oops , I men coming back. Knowing there is something out there that you can't have.

It's basically against the bro code to hit on a pal's girl lakini the issue arises when you don't know the guy. No bro code then. So, you hit on her, if your lucky , you get the peck, extra lucky you get laid. Lakini some of these taken mamas also like to feel special, they want to feel wanted and in some cases they want to really know if their idiot boyfriend is right for her, they want to know of they have really found their Jonny. Hapa Hakuna wizi, ni cost shairing. Anakulwa pale Na chali wake then anakuja Na kukula burger Zako. Eventually as a man you'll be a 'side-dude'. The only difference is, we really don't mind. Eventually you'll give me tail, or in some rather common instances, she'll realize you are the real Johnny and you step in, hoping it's not a vicious circle. All in all, you taken mamas, you milfs out there, you drive us single men crazy. If only...

MSICHANA WA WENYEWE

So... I am not an avid fan of football.. But I occasionally enjoy a big big match. Like Arsenal vs Chelsea ., whenever such big teams I might watch at least one half. I usually wait for a goal., however if no goal is scored, I switch to Trace. Anyway, we all know paying for premium channels is really expensive, about 8500 if I can give a ball park figure., so kwetu, we just pay compact plus. The only sports channel is some weird channel that shows only Gor play, I try to avoid or risk my tv screen breaking with stones. Anyway, the weekend is here and there is a big big game I tell you. Chelsea are playing Man-u. This I gotta watch, or I'll have to stick with girls the next week at school coz all the guys will talk about that match. As I said, kwetu, the dstv doesn't show live matches, but I gotta watch. 

It's an hour to the match na bado sina the guts to pay 4000 to upgrade to premium  or rather sina pesa mfukoni. I think of going to the local bar and buy a soda and sip it the whole night but that's seems too ratchet. Then, I get a eureka moment. My next door neighbors have paid premium. So I shower, spray that cologne ya kupimiwa and head next door. I knock once... No answer... Knock twice... No answer... I feel like shit and begin to walk away, then I hear a mellifluous voice calling after me. 'Hey, excuse me, sorry for the delay' 

I turn, like a dog I swallow a pint of spit. She is hot... She has a short denim short, a plain white t-shirt and free flowing hair. In all honesty she had worn 'kawaida' but damn that 'kawaida' made her look gorgeous. I walk back and tell her my predicament. She is too fly that I hustle to muster the words. 

'Hey, my name is Chelsea, sorry, game ya Chelsea I mean, I am Kim. No dstv, me no go home' she giggles and tells me to relax,like she knows she is confusing me. So I take a deep breath, swallow that spit and explain to her that I planned watch the match with her big bro. She tells me her bro is not around but I can come in and watch the match. Like a dog, I follow her in.

She hands me like 5 remotes and explains, 'this is for home theater, DVD, TV, lights, mboch, waiter...' Something like that. Kwetu ni moja, ya tv... Mwisho, the rest you change manually. I sit down and she asks me if I'd like a drink, of course I accept. She goes to the kitchen as I wonder why Anto, her bro, never told me he had a sister. Oh well, the nigga ain't here. She comes back with whiskey and a glass of wine for her. Damn! I'm in love already. She hands me my drink and puts the match. Apparently Ata bado sikuwanimeweka, I think of what brought me here. Football, nothing else. The match has started and I realize Ata jina sijui. 'What's your name?' 'Fiona' I glow a little bit inside. Growing up I used to call the characters in my stories Fiona and now I meet one in the flesh. 'Are you in campus?' I ask. She says no, ako form four. That breaks my heart. She lays comfortably on the sofa exposing those legs, I think to myself, 'hizo mguu si za high school, ni za campo!' Anyway, I came here for the match. 

As the match starts she tells me about Diego Costa and Fabregas, how she is excited about their transfers to Chelsea. I drool, like a dog. She knows football, she drinks, she's hot, she's Fiona... She's an angel. Just too young. I smile at her, she smiles back, this whiskey is making me confident. It is 15minutes into the game, no goals on the pitch, whilst a young African is trying to score. Let the games continue. She says she has noticed me around the estate, cjui nikiosha gari, cjui vyombo, cjui nikitoa trash. Yaaani she makes me look like a houseboy. Anyway, even houseboys get some action. The first half ends and she is sleepy. Shit! I'm not sure if I should go home but all the fibre in me is saying I should stay with Fiona, I don't wanna bang her, okay maybe I do but she is wife material. I want more. She lays on my shoulders and says she is taking a nap. Her hair smelt like lavender, hizo mguu brown skin my friend... Ata usiku they glowed. So I let her sleep. Overconfident I plan how I should rush home for some protection, but labda nikirudi ntapata wamehama. So I let her enjoy my small shoulder. 

I continue drinking, my mind is soo far , I've even forgotten what brought me here. I touch her weave, Ata msichana akuwe brown skin aje, nywele ni ya wazungu. She giggles, she is awake. I guess this is flirting I think to myself. Then she looks at me. Ata huwezi fikiria huyu ametoka kulala. She comes closer and kisses me. I pinch myself to make sure kweli niko awake. Oops I pinched her instead. Pombe ni mbaya. She stands, she looks so sexy., she taker her top off... Wah. I even forget where we live, Leo ni Leo. Hii 4 months dry spell itanijua. Then..

The door swings open, it's Anto, Fiona looks at me, she screams... Bitch !!!

Like a dog I run....

UNFORTUNATELY PUPPY LOVE EXSITS

There comes a time in life, you're mature enough to conceive a child for a lady and fertile enough to get a girl pregnant for a guy. The era of random sex becomes rather boring and to some extent immature. We all have that one friend who is in a comfortable relationship and we always bear listening to how one day they want to kill each other and another they want to elope and get married. This is for the single guy and girl next door. If your dating please stop, smile and screw you. 

So, what is puppy love? Have you ever experienced it ? If you have you tend to look for it in every prospective idiot that comes around. First, let's be clear puppy love is not love at first sight. The only thing I have ever fallen in love at first sight is whiskey, so unless we date inanimate objects, love at first sight is just an excuse by thirsty desperate guys. Puppy love is serious but also not so serious love. Serious that you actually get something out of it rather than just sex. You actually become a better person... Your partner makes you better person. I know of girls who have turned staunch weed smokers around, though sounds petty, but puppy love actually makes you a better person. Your life tends not to be all about you. Single guys tend to have a selfish persona, they only think of themselves, every purchase is personal, every plan is personal which is a sad way of living. Puppy love is also not so serious, laughter and joy dominates, pseudonyms to each other, and lines that only the couple understand. Have you ever a couple say a random line like 'stars above' and they both look at each other glowing... Sounds shady to us single guys but it's beautiful to them, they change mundane words to something more, something great and something beautiful. 

One particular couple I'd like to salute is Tom and Shakila. I really hope you guys are still together lest you'll render my post irrelevant. Anyway, they started dating when we were back in high school, which is about 3-4 years ago. Years down the line , still strong, I had given them 1 year but guess they proved me wrong. Anyway, this highlights the fact that when you find the one for you... Your happy .. Your content. Even for a real ass G like Tom., who at first sight might not be settling type has found his puppy love. I will not lie that their is a lot of time to find your puppy love because there actually isn't. This is probably why I am writing this desperate plea to all the good guys and gorgeous girls. Be accommodating, accept everyone, go for that coffee date with that guy you ignore his calls, guys take that mama you always stalk on watsupp out. Ask her, if she says yes, that's a start, if she says no, at least you tried. Puppy love is not just found by looking at someone and falling head over heels, no it's found by hard work and actually trying to give a damn. Guys have the hardest time, a single romantic gesture is meet with harsh scorn from their pals, however, tell yourself they will die single, which they probably will. 

I knew a guy who faithfully texted his crush, sometimes the girl would ignore but the guy would not stop. He was like 'Morning! Have a great day' and the girl's watsupp status would shift from 'online' to 'last seen...' But he continued. Eventually, they went on a date and the girl realized he is one of the few guys who actually give a damn. He is one of the good guys. Girls settle with good guys but are broken by bad guys. Not a single good guy wants to bad, but ironically the bad guys eventually turn good. The renaissance started with a single step., I hope this special generation of guys will actually give a damn, this generation of girls will be accommodating and we'll all find this fleeting puppy love. Life is not about how much success we make but by the hearts we touch, starting to change hearts starts by changing our own, being more to the world that 'me'. So, go ahead text a friend and let them know you will always be there, put a smile on their face and let's change our rigid hearts. 

I hope you find your puppy love like Tom and Shakila have, I surely hope I do too.